Now all we have to is get these documents over for a few John Hand Cocks and they’ll be ready to go.

What did you say they needed? (I wanted to add, yep, I heard it too, but I didn’t.)

[separating each word] They need some John… Hand… Cocks. It means signatures.

Yeah, I know what it means, but it’s John Hancock.

It’s what?

John Hancock. One word, no “D”.

Are you sure, because I’ve been saying it for years my way and no one has ever mentioned anything about me being wrong.

Yeah, I’m positive. It comes from a guy’s name. [At this point, I still have faith in the common person.]

I always thought it was from when they used to write with feathers.

Nope, it was the guy who signed the Emancipation Proclamation. His signature on that is famous.

Oh, I guess that makes more sense.

The 75-year-old man who is still working in my office said he has not failed at a resolution in over 30 years.

His resolution this year? He’s not going to pole vault in the future.

When asked if he has ever pole vaulted in the past, he answered, “No, but I saw someone do it once. It looked crazy enough I decided that when I got around to it, I would decide not to do it. Well, I’m getting around to it.”

I think success is all about state of mind.

“If you die on the job in the morning, do you get paid for the rest of the day?”

“Well, I suppose it depends on if anyone can fill out your time sheet. Theoretically, no one should know your password.”

“Hmm… Do you think if it turns out that you worked your last hours for free it would earn you any bonus points with the man upstairs?”

“Probably. Although, if He’s anything like management here, He’d hold it against you that you didn’t have the decency to put in overtime last weekend to get all your tasks done before you kicked off.”

“I guess. It would probably be better to put in for time off for the morning and act like you were home sick. Assuming that someone would take your body away before the person who approves your timesheet notices.”

“Yeah, that would be the best plan. Not like you can use the time off after that anyway.”

————————————————————-

These guys are apparently not morning people, especially not on a Monday.

A little old man shopping with his wife puts a huge bag of assorted snack-size candy bars on the checkout conveyor. As the cashier reaches for them, he looks at here with a very serious and just slightly unhappy expression.

“We bought a bag of candy like this here last week. Now I have to buy another one because the last one was defective.”

The cashier looks at him, looks at the bag, and back at him again. I could see her trying to think of a way a bag of candy could be defective.

“I’m sorry, sir, what was wrong with the bag?

The little old man allows just a hint of a smile.

“Well, we took the bag home and opened it early, and before we knew it, it was empty. Now I have to buy more.”

I like old people humor.