Brooklynn is now a little over two weeks old, or fewer days than I have years on this planet, but she is already teaching me a few things.
- If you cry hard enough to turn not only your face but your entire torso a beet red shade and then top it off with a little forgetting to actually take a breath in from time to time, people tend to pay attention.
- Baths are torture.
- You can test the responsiveness of the people caring for you by fake crying once in a while. If they tease you about the lack of real crying, they are probably your parents. If they try to console you or offer you food, they are probably relatives. If they offer you their car, bank account, or a fully funded college tuition, they are terrified of babies and will do anything to keep you from crying. If they hand you immediately back to Mom or Dad, you lose.
- Burping is optional. Hiccuping is not.
- Nothing is quite as soothing as a fresh meal straight from Mom for helping a person to calm down, although you shouldn’t be above checking out random nearby chests to see if they have anything to offer. (Sadly, they never do…)
- The best time to spit up food is right after you put on new clothes or get laid down on something that your parents don’t want to get dirty.
- Smile after you spit up on something important, even if you don't know what a smile actually is. No one can stay mad at a smiling baby.
- The best time to poop is right after a diaper change. Fresh diaper, it feels glorious.
- The best position to poop is lying on your right side with your legs stuck straight out.
- Don’t settle in to eat too quickly; it’s ok to play with your food a little. And when you finally do decide to take a few sucks, get so excited about that you forget to coordinate your breathing and swallowing. If you cough of choke a little, someone will help you out.
- Never sleep more than three hours in a row, because, duh, you might miss something exciting.
- Nothing exciting happens in the middle of the night. Trust me, we are all up and awake enough to confirm this.
- Babies couldn’t care less about what they wear as long as they are ok on temperature. Women love to dress up babies in “adorable” clothes. Babies have no money. Women have unlimited money when it comes to babies. There’s a fortune to be made here if I could just figure out how to get in on the action.
- Growing up is hard work. It’s ok to cry once in a while and let it all out.
Did I forget something? Let me know in the comments.