The U.S. Postal Service does a great job of getting things where they are supposed to go. They even track you down when you move (as long as you tell them where you went). They will even tell other businesses that that business doesn't know that you moved, but you did, and here is where you went. The USPS is a bit like a bad private detective that someone hired to find you, only you left a forwarding address where you use to live, so the detective went out and had a nice steak dinner at a local dining establishment, caught up on the latest happening of the daytime soap operas, took a quick catnap, and then went and told the people who hired him where you went, all the while acting like it was really hard and here are his expenses for the steak dinner thank you very much for you business please keep in touch. That sneaky USPS. Pulled a fast one there.
But this only works when you tell them where you went. Or even who you are. And sometimes, it doesn't work even then.
The former owners of our house like themselves some catalogs. A lot. If a store had a catalog, they probably received it. Store catalogs don’t work in the new “The USPS knows who you are!” system. Apparently, they didn’t cover the tab on the steak dinner, never have, and never will. So the USPS gives a big thumb upside the nose and gives the catalogs to us.
Which is ok. We like to look at them and make fun of how much something simple like a small candleholder can cost about as much as we pay to our mortgage over a couple months. What? The candleholder is covered in diamonds? Why didn’t you say so? We’ll take three.
Stores really do make nice looking things and they take even better looking pictures of those things. We don’t go to malls or stores much other than to shop for food, so we don’t see how nice all of the stuff is. Without catalogs, we would never have the urge to make unnecessary purchases of expensive things that we never knew existed, but, now that we know, how did we ever live without it?
Plus, catalogs have the added benefit of sneaking up on you when you aren’t ready. When walking through a mall, the combination of crowds, greasy fast-food aroma and the people who work the stands in the aisles are enough to put anyone on edge. But at home, in your living room, looking at the beautiful pictures… You begin to envision yourself living in the make believe land of the catalog, which is just below CandyLand on my list of places I’d like to live.
The catalog whispers soothingly in your ear, feeds you peeled grapes and fans you with one of those huge palm branches. It tells you your life would be wonderful with these things, and look!, a handy order form, or better yet, a website to do more shopping. You never have to leave you’re warm and inviting home. And think how much warmer and inviting it will be with all of your fabulous new possessions you just saw for the very first time five minutes ago – all for the low low price of your first unborn child.
Maybe it isn’t the USPS’s fault that they don’t forward catalogs. Maybe the catalogs are more like organized crime, paying off the shady private eye to keep the status quo moving along and reach new and unsuspecting victims customers.
Oops. I may have said too much. If you don’t hear from me again, you know why.
I’ll be on the phone, order things from the latest catalog.