Our credit card company called yesterday to confirm that some recent charges were not fraudulent. And put me on hold. After they called me. I was only on hold for about 25 seconds, but still. I guess we’ve been good American citizens and supported the retail economy a little too well recently. However, they did offer to triple our spending limit in exchange for a long-term indentured-servant contract.
“Hello sir, we’re calling to confirm a few recent charges on your card.” “Ok.” “We show a charge from an online retailer, your cell phone company, and a local department store.” “Yes, that’s right.” “We also show charges for a vintage 1950’s toaster, a guaranteed-to-work time machine, two llamas, a Britney Spears complete discography, a Russian mail-order-bride, a pack of bubble gum, a piece of French toast with the likeness of Abbott from Abbott and Costello in it, a set of handcuffs and a feather duster, a replica of the Venus de Milo, 17.5 pounds of quickset concrete, minority ownership of the Houston Texans ($5.00), a ferret house, 13 flat panel monitors, and a grouse in a pear tree. A grouse, sir?” “Partridges are ill-tempered this time of year.” “Ok, well sir, some of these charges seemed a little suspicious to us and we just wanted to confirm that no one had gained access to your account information.” “Actually, now that you mention it, I don’t remember one item you listed. Let me check with my wife – Honey, did you buy a pack of gum recently?”