I’ll Be Selling Organs To Pay Off The Bill

Our credit card company called yesterday to confirm that some recent charges were not fraudulent. And put me on hold. After they called me. I was only on hold for about 25 seconds, but still. I guess we’ve been good American citizens and supported the retail economy a little too well recently. However, they did offer to triple our spending limit in exchange for a long-term indentured-servant contract.

“Hello sir, we’re calling to confirm a few recent charges on your card.” “Ok.” “We show a charge from an online retailer, your cell phone company, and a local department store.” “Yes, that’s right.” “We also show charges for a vintage 1950’s toaster, a guaranteed-to-work time machine, two llamas, a Britney Spears complete discography, a Russian mail-order-bride, a pack of bubble gum, a piece of French toast with the likeness of Abbott from Abbott and Costello in it, a set of handcuffs and a feather duster, a replica of the Venus de Milo, 17.5 pounds of quickset concrete, minority ownership of the Houston Texans ($5.00), a ferret house, 13 flat panel monitors, and a grouse in a pear tree. A grouse, sir?” “Partridges are ill-tempered this time of year.” “Ok, well sir, some of these charges seemed a little suspicious to us and we just wanted to confirm that no one had gained access to your account information.” “Actually, now that you mention it, I don’t remember one item you listed. Let me check with my wife – Honey, did you buy a pack of gum recently?”